thistles (thistles) wrote in baggage__check,

I have a love/hate relationship with my body

It really is magical and amazing what our bodies can do. Women's bodies can grow and nourish a child. We can sustain that child for the first year of it's life. It really is miraculous and I honor the fact that my body put on the weight it needed to grow Aislin.

At the same time, I feel alienated from myself. This is not the body I'm used to having! We went out for a date on Saturday night for the first time in weeks. I went through the whole "dig through my closet for something cute that fits" routine. And I found a skirt and managed to zip up my big black boots. I felt cute but when I looked in the mirror I looked pudgy. I ddn't feel cute then, I just felt fat. I know I shouldn't complain because I know women who put on a lot more weight than I did during their pregnancies. And I am still smaller than just about everyone I know. But I am used to being a certain size. I am used to wearing my old clothes. And I feel like my body is not my own.

I used to have abdominal muscles. Not anything to brag about. It's not like I could 100 sit-ups without breaking a sweat. But I used to be able to do A sit-up! Now I can't even do that. And (TMI but...) I have a lot less strength in the PC muscle as well which means when I DO manage a sit-up, I wet my pants a little. How discouraging! But that's what 4 hours of pushing will do, I guess.

Anyway, I made it to the YMCA today. I did 30 minutes on the treadmill and the some stretching. Maybe I will go to Bikram yoga tonight if LM is feeling better.
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