dangling participles are where it's at (ilwitchgrrl) wrote in baggage__check,
dangling participles are where it's at

I've got the food crazies

The last couple days have been like a gluttony spree for me. It was as if I could not stop eating. I was compelled to eat and eat and eat. Then last night it seems to have ended abruptly, leaving me with nothing but a feeling of severe disgust for myself. I want to recover what little dignity and health I can and move on. I'm not even sure what to eat at this point. I am hungry right now (actual real hunger, for breakfast), for example, but part of me is so disgusted with myself that I don't WANT to eat (logically I know that is a bad option because if I let myself get to a point where I am starving, I end up with no willpower) and part of me doesn't know WHAT to eat. I ate a lot of sweet foods during my binge and now the taste of sweetness in my mouth is vile to me, so I want nothing sweet. I have an orange here, and I have maple/brown sugar oatmeal, and both of those are two sweet for me right now.

Perhaps part of my problem is that I don't really ever want to eat, no matter how hungry I am, unless I have a 'taste' for a specific food. I'm sure my husband thinks I'm nuts because I always need to know what we're planning on having for dinner, because I need to build up a 'taste' for it beforehand - otherwise I don't want to eat. I love food, but I love all the things that are bad for me, and frequently the things I have a 'taste' for are the things I shouldn't be eating but once in a blue moon...and I find it very difficult to move past having a 'taste' for one thing and eating another.

I sabotage myself sometimes too. I can bring all the food I'm 'supposed' to eat in a day with me to work, and sometimes I won't even eat the food I bring with because I decide I want to run across the street and go to McDonald's or something.

There comes a point after the birth of your child where you are no longer carrying 'baby fat' and it just graduates to 'fat'. My son will be 18 months old in three days. If I haven't worn out the 'baby fat' grace period already, I feel that I'm surely fast approaching it. I want to have another baby, or at least entertain the thought, but I want to lose most of this weight first. I want to breathe better and be able to move better and have more energy, and losing this weight will help.

I was fat before I had the baby. I ate more than I was supposed to even then. But I ate LESS than I do now. I'm 20 pounds heavier than I was before I got pregnant. Clearly I am eating more than I did before pregnancy since I am maintaining this weight. What changed that made it OK in my head to eat this much??

I don't know how to stop eating what's bad and start eating the right amounts of what's good. I have the knowledge; I could probably be a friggin nutritionist at this point, I've learned so much about food and what is and isn't good and what amounts people should eat and so on. What I don't seem to know how to do is apply that knowledge to my life. I feel like a failure, almost every day. I KNOW what's bad but I do it anyway. I have told myself for years it is just a question of willpower. I'm a pretty strong-willed girl, in most areas of my life. Why don't I have the willpower to conquer my bad food habits? Do I need help? If so, how do i get help for something like this? Who is supposed to help me, if I can't even help myself?

This has been going on for YEARS. I'm so frustrated by it I don't even know where to turn.
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